Ok, so where did we leave off yesterday?

Oh yeah.  Jesus got mad because he was hungry and didn’t get his needs met, because he saw what he believed to be injustices going on, and because no one understood what he was trying to say.

So, is Jesus an acceptable model for our behavior or not?  Was he too closely identified with his ego?  Was he not enlightened enough?

Can I get an amen?

Our anger helps us to stand up for ourselves and others when we don’t get our needs met, when anything we deem unfair is happening, or when we cannot make ourselves understood.   Being sad is an important emotion too.  So is feeling happy, or afraid, or any other emotion.  The whole emotional spectrum is an important part of a healthy psychological make-up.

Ok – so, now that I’ve said my piece on all that….

Back to the original question:  How is anger positive?

Feeling my anger instead of repressing it is positive because by doing so I am acknowledging rather than denying that injustices were done, or are being done, to me (or my loved ones), or I am standing up for my own needs.  Repressing and denying leads to my being stuck in sadness, depression, addiction, helplessness, insecurity, and victim-hood. 

Being in touch with my anger gives me the assertiveness, and the defiance, to stand up to the bullies who have tried to control what I said or did or felt or believed, who have shamed me for having feelings they deemed inappropriate or that they couldn’t handle, who have lied to me, manipulated me, broken promises, or failed to be what they should have been.

Can I have inner peace and still be in touch with my anger?  Of course, yes.  Being in touch with ‘the dark side’ is like visiting an old powerful necessary friend who is part of me, but not all of me.  It’s like plugging myself in to a nuclear reactor and letting that power course through me, washing all the bile clean out of me and onto my paper (or the computer screen).  I can be angry and be aware of my anger, seeing it, feeling it, and at the same time knowing that it is not me.

It’s like my boxing drills where I go in feeling pent-up and mean, I beat up the rubber dummy, and come out feeling elated and peaceful inside.

Who would have thought that expressing anger could lead to inner peace?

Maybe next time I’ll share what I think emotions actually are.

Super Long Blog Alert!

I’ve been journaling a lot lately about the deep-down liberating rage that I’ve mentioned several times on my blog.  I’ve also been asked to explain more about how anger can be a positive thing.  [If you're interested in reading further on this topic, here's an article about Positive Anger and another about the Benefits of Anger.]

This morning as I was trying to think how to frame it all in a way that not only made sense but that answered all the various aspects of the issue that could be raised, especially in light of the book Terri and I are reading by Eckhart Tolle entitled A New Earth: Awakening to Your Life’s Purpose, I realized that there’s no way to keep this blog relatively short and succinct and handle the entire issue.  I tried, but failed.

Firstly, there are several concepts still prevalent in Western thinking that are traditional and widely assumed, but that are false.  A couple of examples: the noble savage (aka primitivism) and the newborn being a tabula rasa.  Two false assumptions that are important to this issue are: the existence of spirit (ie, any metaphysical, supernatural entities, analogous to the soul and/or God) and the accompanying idea that these ‘spiritual entities’ hold peace and happiness as their highest aim…. or alternatively, that peace and/or happiness are more ‘spiritual,’ more noble, more salvific, more superior, than other emotional states.

[It is beyond the scope of this blog to explain all the arguments into
why the spiritual or supernatural entities cannot exist.  You can read
more on this topic at The Secular Web Library and in Richard Dawkin's The God Delusion.] 

Now, I have nothing against inner peace or happiness.  I spent years searching for either (or both) and finally found some degree of them for myself, in no small part thanks to many of the sorts of teachings contained in books similar to Tolle’s, many of which Oprah has championed over the years, in addition to the wide and varied readings I’ve done in religion, philosophy, mythology, psychology, science, and more.  Compared to my inner life of 10 years ago, I’m the downright epitome of inner peace.  Compared to back then, I could be the gosh-darned poster child for inner peace and happiness.

And certainly, inner peace and happiness are more pleasant, usually, than the so-called ‘negative’ emotions, such as sadness, envy, anger, jealousy, and the like.  So, they are better in that they are more pleasant for a human to experience.  But they are not better in any sort of cosmic way, in and of themselves.  We do not win any brownie points (or points towards salvation) in this our indifferent, non-conscious universe because we find inner peace, happiness, or because we achieve enlightenment…or “Awareness” (Tolle’s term for these things).   If someone achieves these things, hurray!  Enjoy them.  Wallow in the pleasantness of them.  But don’t think they mean anything. 

When Tolle speaks of our awareness of ourselves as being more true, or our true selves, (and Oprah often uses this expression as well), I want to know how it is they believe that ‘awareness’ is any more true than the parts of me that they point out as false, such as my life story and circumstances, or my hand, or my feelings.  It is, in reality, no more than my mind being aware of itself thinking, but it is still my mind, the functioning of my brain, the gray matter within my skull.  To be aware of one’s self and to recognize that the baggage of the past, the worries of the future, and the labels we put on our surrounding are artificial constructs to some degree, and to realize that we have control over our physical and emotional reactions to life in the present moment… these are all good things.  These are good insights to have.  These are enlightenment. 

But I am still also my memories, my feelings, my body, my hungers, my decisions, and everything else that makes up my physical existence.  Because, in reality, all we truly have IS a physical existence.  That ‘Awareness’ in your mind which feels like an escape from physicality…is merely another physical process.  All states of consciousness (and unconsciousness, btw) are, by necessity, physical processes.  So to say that that ‘awareness’ (the so-called spiritual experience) is true and everything else (ie, the physical) is false, is nonsensical. 

Ok, maybe that was a tangent, but it’s also relavent.  Because part of the implication in the question “How is anger positive?” is that not only is anger negative and better avoided, but that it leads away from the nobler goals of peace and happiness to which we should aspire for the sake of our spirit… for the betterment of our spirit… or because it is more ‘spiritual’ to do so. 

The same people who would have you believe that also hold Jesus up as a teacher of peace.  Without going into a long diatribe about how much bologna that is, I’ll simply give you a few examples of how even Jesus got angry. 

For one, he cursed a helpless, innocent fig tree for not bearing fruit out of season.  That’s not exactly rational.

For another, he had a hissy-fit in the temple and overturned all the money-changer’s tables.  Certainly it was his anger in that incident that led him to make his point.

Finally, many times he became irritated and griped at the apostles for being stupid and short-sighted (often because they couldn’t understand the nonsensical parables that he usually refused to explain).

So, even Jesus got angry and used that energy to further his cause.  I won’t even begin to list all the angry things God does in the OT.  That’s a book in and of itself.  (In fact, that’s the OT!)

I see this has become an extremely long blog today, and if you’re as tired of reading it as I am of writing it, you’ll be happy to know that just now, in this moment, a very true and peaceful and happy me, myself, and I have all three decided to continue it tomorrow.  Until then…. peace.

A couple years ago, I bought a ‘fancy’ purse when I thought I wanted a ‘fancy’ office job.  I like this purse, but I only actually used it once or twice.  It’s a very nice Liz Claiborne bag that I bought new at the mall for about $40 on sale.  But it’s just not my style.

Maybe it’s your style.  I’ve put it on eBay.  Take a look and see what you think.

By the way – I forgot to say below that I did finally get my boxing drills done today – I beat up the rubber dummy but good, by golly.

I feel much better now. 

The other day, I saw a pair of socks in the gym parking lot. They weren’t very exciting, so I didn’t take a photo. Today, I saw this:

How does a guy lose his underwear in the gym parking lot?

But seeing random underwear laying around can’t but remind me of how my son — you know, the one who just got engaged and will turn 21 next month — used to giggle uncontrollably every time he heard the word ‘underwear’ in any context. Just saying the word would make him bust up. It doesn’t work anymore, but I can make him turn pretty red in the face by mentioning it.

Oh, and guess what. My son is an excellent bass guitar player.   Ever since he’s been playing bass, it’s been in the back of my mind to take it up myself and see what I could do with it. So yesterday, he loaned me his old bass (the first one he ever owned – he has like 5-6 guitars now) and helped me by an amp to practice with. It’s fun, although I can’t do more than pick out a couple simple melodies and scales at the moment.

So if you need me, I’ll be down in the bass clef for awhile, in the deep down notes, in the lower-than-low, cooler-than-cool walking bottom rhythms.

I never did get to the gym to beat up the rubber dummy yesterday.  In the morning, I was working on a few creative projects and got carried away and let time slip by.  In the afternoon, I attended the WASH meeting.  I’m their webmaster, so I am sort of obligated to attend the meetings to  take a few photos and write up a synopsis for the website.  Then in the evening, we went out to Fuddruckers to celebrate my son’s engagement to his long-time girlfriend. 

By the time all that was over, it was after dark and I was beat.  I checked my email and went to bed.

Today when I go to the gym, it’ll be for weightlifting with my trainer.  Boxing drills will have to wait until tomorrow.  Dammit.

It has been suggested that my focusing on anger, my deep-down liberating rage, might not be the best thing for my mental health.  On the contrary, I think being in touch with my anger is a step toward mental health.    Ignoring when I’ve been wronged or hurt, suppressing my angry and hurt because showing it might upset someone else, those are the actions that kept me oppressed for too long under a blanket of helplessness, hopelessness, and depression.

I’ve also recently relearned that being in touch with my anger, that burning energy at my core, is what allows me to stop self-censoring and write the books that I want to write and make the art I want to create, all which  comes from that deep churning lava pit that some who believe in such things might call my soul. 

Of course, those people might also believe I’ve given my soul over to the devil.  But this is America, where people have the right to be as stupid as they want to be.

William Gass said, “I write because I hate.  A lot.  Hard. … I wish to make my hatred acceptable because my hatred is much of me, if not the best part.”

Me too.  And if you can relate to this, you may want to join my new blogring:
Angry Writers Unite!

And when I forget my anger, when I ignore it, when I repress it…. I become the living dead.
Dead woman walking.
Dead woman lifting weights.
Dead woman blogging.  Or trying to.

And the living dead… well, zombies… whether living dead or dead dead… they just don’t have much fun, do they?

BTW – I just created a new blogring… Angry Writers Unite!

What do I want to blog about today?

I feel like the more appropriate question is: What am I allowed to blog about today?  Whenever I arrive for a blogging session, I feel censored.  My husband, my best friend, my children, and a few of my other relatives read this stuff at least once in a while.  I’m not talking only to strangers here.  I have to be careful what I say, what I complain about, what I express.  I have to utilize tact and diplomacy and all that other bullshit.  It’s easier to keep quiet.

People love to talk to me.  Strangers, as well as friends and relatives.  The strangers are the strangest  – the person next to me in line, beside me on a bus, milling about in a crowd – they just open their mouths, start chatting, and next thing you know I have their entire life story.  While all I’ve done is nod my head pleasantly at them and wonder when the hell they’re going to shut up and why are they telling me all this anyway.

Oh, yes, I’m a great listener.  I’m the kind of listener who keeps her own mouth shut.  But the reason I’m not responding IS NOT because I am so completely enthralled by the other person’s story that I’m dumbstruck.  I don’t respond because I’ve learned that other people aren’t good listeners; they don’t want help or advice; they aren’t interested in what my experience has been; no matter what I say to them in return, they will say I’m wrong somehow; or they’ll simply not hear it and go on with their own agenda regardless.  So what’s the point?

It’s easier to keep quiet.

Today is a boxing drills day.  I need to beat someone up very badly.  I’ll do my talking with padded fists, thank you very much.

I’m a tolerant person, I think.  Sure I have opinions about stuff, some of which are not politically correct or otherwise popular, and my opinions of stupid people and old white men are the harshest… but at the same time, I wouldn’t deny anyone the right to live, to earn a living, or to have their own opinion (however wrong it is).

I often say that America is the country where people have the right to be as stupid as they want to be.  And I include myself, too, knowing that to some others, MY opinions may seem stupid.  Of course, those people are wrong, but they have that right.

Plus, although I’m all for honesty in communication, and I’m seldom both good and nice at the same time, I’m also not a mean, confrontational person.  I score high on the introversion scale and generally live and let live.

All this is a long preface for saying this:  I do not have to hang around with or continually do favors for people who do not appreciate my unique perspective or my friendship.  I do not have to expose myself to my every “flaw,” foible, quirk, and eccentricity being pointed out, especially when there are no balancing compliments or kindnesses or favors coming my direction.

I grew up around that sort of bullshit and had no choice about it.  I’ve learned better now and I do have a choice.  I don’t have to listen to how I’m always wrong.  I don’t have to endure constant verbal abuse, neglect, or the ignorance of those who don’t know what they’re talking about. 

What is particularly irritating is when people spend years pushing me away, telling me how I’m not needed, then suddenly begin berating me for not being there to make their lives easier.  Or when my only role in someone’s life is to reflect back what a good loveable person she is, while constantly being told that my own feelings, needs, wants, and conclusions are all wrong.

I’m not talking about any one person – I’m talking about several people with whom I’ve spent a lot of time over my (almost) 45 years of life.  Probably, I’m to blame for some of this – since to some extent we teach people how to treat us – but I claim ignorance.  I haven’t always understand everything I understand now.  Now that I know better, I hope to do better.

If someone doesn’t want my unique and valuable company, so be it.  More power to you.  Have a wonderful life.  Just have it somewhere where I’m not.

I haven’t beat anyone up lately and it’s starting to show.

It felt good to get back in the gym and lift heavy and sweat yesterday after several days of laziness while my husband and I were away for our 26th wedding anniversary.  We went down to Virginia Beach over the weekend and had a nice relaxing time.

To me, a nice relaxing time includes at least one trip to a bookstore.  And almost every trip to the bookstore involves buying a book or magazine related to art or writing.  Over the weekend, I got a couple magazines from Somerset Studios.  They’re all about mixed media, altered books and boxes, and collage, etc. 

So, after reading my magazines, while in the car for the drive home, I began thinking of an altered box collage thingie I could make – something simple and fun to get me started since I haven’t done much of that – despite loving the idea of it.  By the time I got home after the 4 hour car ride, my simple, fun collage had turned into a huge hulking triptych with pop-up elements and animatronics, fancy stuff that I don’t even know how to implement.

When I told Terri about this, she had the perfect analogy:
“Why build a battery if we can build a nuclear generator … never mind that we CAN’T build a nuclear generator, once we’ve got the idea, the battery has lost all it’s appeal.”

Yep.  That sums it up perfectly and explains why I haven’t started any mixed media collage thingies yet.

But I’ve got the dogs outside working on the foundation for that nuclear generator even as I type this.